9 Reasons Not to Non-Exclusively Date a Girl Named After Your Favorite Fruit
#1. Because if it doesn’t work out, you can no longer enjoy that flavor without being reminded of her.
#2. Because you can’t see anything flavored with that fruit anywhere without remembering all the mind-blowing, dick-numbing sex you had.
#3. Because you can no longer walk into a Jollibee and order everyone’s favorite pastry dessert without getting annoyed at how casually she ended things with you via IG chat.
#4. Because you can no longer use that fruit emoji without remembering all the funny, spicy talks you’ve shared, and how you felt when you thought you’d have way more of them in the future.
#5. Because you can no longer see anyone on a dating app with the same name or vivid hair color without reflexively swiping left.
#6. Because if a braver (or less cynical) guy than you does what you hesitated to do and just ask her to go steady with you, it will make you regret not doing so forever.
#7. Because non exclusive setups are fucking hell if you end up actually liking her more than you thought you would. It will make you question everything you thought you knew, and have you doubting feelings you never thought you could have again.
#8. Because seeing the guy she chose over you will have you non-ironically quoting Dolph Ziggler’s “It Should’ve Been Me” rant, and meaning every word of it.
#9. Because even after 2 and a half months of things ending, you still can’t get over how a summer fling ever hurt you more than your other near relationships did.
Somehow, the brief intensity of it just burns brighter in your mind, catching you off guard when you least expect it. And though it no longer stings the same, it still refuses to leave your mind. It persistently gnaws at you like only the hardest life lessons do, so that you never, ever make the same mistake again.
I promise, I won’t.